You're Beautiful.

As a christian, I see God as a father. As an all knowing, all providing, all comforting dad who is waiting for me whenever I need him and will love me unconditionally. A Father that will proudly claim me as his and wants nothing more than to have a relationship with me. And we are dotingly called his children.

I see Him as not being too much different than my dad, and probably not too much different from your dad. He is comforter, a problem solver, a mister know-it-all.....sometimes a bank account, a slap on the wrist and long hard look in a mirror. But still a Dad. A warm and fuzzy dream-dad of sorts.

But what if your real dad well....sucks. And then to hear that God is your father???? How are you supposed to interpret that? And understand what kind of love that is??? What if both of your parents suck???

I have a student whose dad is in jail for murder. He has been there for 17 years, has a 25 year sentence, and is supposed to be getting out next year. He told me he felt abandoned, that his dad left him when he needed him the most.....

I have another student who hasn't seen his dad in 10 years and his mom dropped him off one day with his grandparents because she wanted to go live with her boyfriend in another city.....

One of my kids dads is an alcoholic and a drug addict. He told me that he did better in school when he lived with his dad (he know lives with his g'parents) because he was scared his dad would come home and beat him in a drunken/high rage if he had bad grades....

One of my girls moms is leaving her home alone for 5 weeks....

One of my boys from last year parents dumped him off on his brother who now wants nothing to do with him and he is classified as homeless...

One of my girls feels that her mom cares more about her boyfriends than she does her own children...

Alot of my kids don't know their dads....

Alot of my kids hate their moms...

So how do I teach them about unconditional love when all they know is abandonment, denial, rage, and toxicity?

It is a challenge, a hard one. Because I'm not supposed to teach them about love. I am supposed to teach them biology. I am supposed to teach them how to take the TAKS test, but yet my heart is breaking for them.

My heart is breaking because I am scared that if I don't love them the way God loves them that they will never know that love. I am scared that they will walk away and not feel worthy.

My chola handed me a long note today. It was a suicide note. I asked her if she was really thinking about taking her own life and she said no - just that those thoughts had come into her head over the weekend. She had gotten into a fight with her mom and her mother told her that she wished she had had an abortion. She wrote that she wondered if she did die if her mom would even cry.

She wrote that "it don't make sense going to heaven with the goodie-goodies dressed in white. I like black tims and black hoodies. God will probably have me on some strict shit. No sleeping all day. Hanging with the goodie-goodies lounging in paradise. F*** that shit."

I told her that to God she mattered. To me, she mattered. That if she took her own life, that God would cry. That I would cry.

She wrote me another letter a few days ago and it was just the lyrics to Runaway Train.

I wrote her back last night and it is just the lyrics to Beautiful by Mercy Me.

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

I'm praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

I hope she realizes that she is worthy of love. Regardless of what her parents tell her. Regardless of what he friends, boyfriend and sister tells her. She is worthy, just as all my students are worthy.

I can only pray that they one day find the love God. And in the meantime, I will continue to try to literally love the hell out of them.

Oh me oh my.

There are days....days like yesterday....that I HATE being a teacher.

And here is why:

Wednesday, I had my students write three possible test questions (with the answers) for their test yesterday. I told them that if I thought they were good questions that I would include them on the test. I thought they would take some pride in it because I also put their names by the questions so they could have bragging rights.

Oh GEEZ was I WRONG!!

THEY MISSED THEIR OWN QUESTIONS!!!!!

I repeat...they missed their own questions.

Ugh!