School's out...for the summer????

Well, sort of.

Tomorrow I am tutoring a kid for the GED. He left Burges after the first semester last year and went to Sunset which is a credit recovery school. I messaged him a little while ago to see if he was graduating. This was his reply:

• "No I got out like 2 months ago i wouldn't go to school so I'm getting my ged and hopefully going to school in august and then ill be ok and do better
• 
  

Sorry I let you down also"

I was heart broken....let me down? My poor student! I told him I would help in any way. Did he need me to drive him to school? Help him sign up for a GED class? Anything. He is a bright kid and this is just another example of a kid not having a chance - his family situation is the worst. It's just not fair.

When I met him, he reminded me of two of my good friends, Angel and Antonio. He would be best friends with them if he was their age - seriously, this kid is HILARIOUS!

We talked alot about him going to Spain and going to school for architecture (because that's where Angel and Antonio live). I showed him schools he could go to, scholarships he could get. I helped him pass his exit level TAKS test and we were all set. Then this year he started just not coming to school. at all. ever. Then he went to Sunset. And then finally he dropped out.

I have a teacher facebook page so I can message my students class reminders, and lets be honest, I stalk them a bit. I signed on today and had a message from him asking me to help him study for the GED. I was elated! Way to take the initiative, my friend! So tomorrow, I will pick him, take him to Starbucks (he once wrote a letter to Mikell telling him I was cheating on him with Starbucks) and we are going to work through a practice GED test.

I asked him what time he would like to meet and he said let's not wake up too early, lets meet at 1. Typical teenage boy.

But that will not end my school day tomorrow. I had very few seniors this year and out of those very few only 1 is going away to college. And I believe that that is something to be celebrated. So, tomorrow, after I tutor 'ol boy, I am meeting with her to talk to her about college. Maybe tell her a few things I wish someone had told me before I went. I am just so happy and proud of her. She got a $40,000 scholarship to St. Mary's in Austin, TX. She has a strong faith and a good head on her shoulders. I just want to make sure she keeps it there :)

Again, maybe I am crossing a line with my kids. And at some point I feel like maybe this could get me into trouble. But I'm okay with that. Because I know that they need me. They need the support they don't get at home. And I will be here to give it to them. No matter what.

I come from a place where my life, my parents, my friends, my morals are a world away from the way it is here in El Paso. This place is super broken. My place was not. So if I can bring my place into theirs, if only for a moment, then I think I have succeeded.

Live. Love. Teach.

I got this water bottle last week from a FANTASTIC lady who came on a build over spring break. She is younger than me and an intern at a college ministry but she had this water bottle because she has an education degree. We talked about my kids and the struggles of teaching in a border town and all that fun stuff..... I told her in passing that I loved her water bottle and will have to get myself one....

Well, last week was quite honestly one of the worst weeks ever. EVER. I have gotten 8 new kids since Spring Break. One of them doesn't speak English ... at all. AND on top of all that madness I am held accountable for their test scores. Oh ok, thanks. They were terrible.

On top of that, I have two kids that have more than over 250 absences. Thats right - 250!!! Granted, each day counts as 7 absences but thats the equivalent to about 6 weeks of school. And again, I am held accountable for their test scores. Fantastic.

I am just tired. Tired of the politics. Tired of babysitting teenagers. Tired.

So on Saturday when I received her lovely package it was just enough encouragement to make me not want to die when thinking about going to school.

But. today feels a little like last week. I was 20 minutes late to work because there was a fatal wreck that shut down a major road which made all my roads SUPER crowded. My kids are already tired of TAKS review and we have three weeks left.

And Mikell is gone...again.

So all in all, this is has been a pretty crummy Monday, and tomorrow will probably not be any different.

And I will continue trying to look at this water bottle and remember why I am here. Why I am a teacher and why I love my kids. Because today, it feels a little impossible remember.

Recommendation

A student asked me to write a recommendation for her yesterday. Of course I said yes but I was honestly FREAKING out.

I cannot write. Ok so maybe I blab on here, but a FORMAL letter? Um, no thank you.

I seriously sweated over it for hours. Typed and re-typed and deleted then re-typed again. I cannot write formally. I can't make her sound generic. I can't make her be a "bright and driven student" and "a pleasure in class". Granted, she is all of these things - but she is so much more than that. So much more.

So this is what I came up with:

To whom it may concern,

I recommend [her] for the IC CAE program. I have had the pleasure of teaching Miss [her] for the past school year.

I have only known [her] for a few months, but she is someone that I will never forget. [She] comes from a place where education might not be the priority. Where “home” is a little broken. And where dinner might not be on the table every night.

But you would never know that.

From the outside [she] seems like every other student; her story, very similar to others. But on the inside there is something much different.

She wants more. She wants more than a passing grade. She wants more than a high school diploma. She wants a life bigger than the one she has now.

[She] would be a perfect addition to your program. She is a quick and inquisitive learner. She has a thirst for knowledge that is almost unquenchable. She would take everything she would learn to heart.

I believe that this would be a sturdy stepping stone for her, an opportunity she wouldn’t otherwise have, and an experience that would resonate with her throughout her life.

Sincerely,

Lindsay West


Formal? No.
Grammatically correct? Probably not.
Written well? Not in the least.
Helpful? I hope so.

Because if anyone deserves this opportunity, it is her. And I can only pray that I have helped her get there.

You're Beautiful.

As a christian, I see God as a father. As an all knowing, all providing, all comforting dad who is waiting for me whenever I need him and will love me unconditionally. A Father that will proudly claim me as his and wants nothing more than to have a relationship with me. And we are dotingly called his children.

I see Him as not being too much different than my dad, and probably not too much different from your dad. He is comforter, a problem solver, a mister know-it-all.....sometimes a bank account, a slap on the wrist and long hard look in a mirror. But still a Dad. A warm and fuzzy dream-dad of sorts.

But what if your real dad well....sucks. And then to hear that God is your father???? How are you supposed to interpret that? And understand what kind of love that is??? What if both of your parents suck???

I have a student whose dad is in jail for murder. He has been there for 17 years, has a 25 year sentence, and is supposed to be getting out next year. He told me he felt abandoned, that his dad left him when he needed him the most.....

I have another student who hasn't seen his dad in 10 years and his mom dropped him off one day with his grandparents because she wanted to go live with her boyfriend in another city.....

One of my kids dads is an alcoholic and a drug addict. He told me that he did better in school when he lived with his dad (he know lives with his g'parents) because he was scared his dad would come home and beat him in a drunken/high rage if he had bad grades....

One of my girls moms is leaving her home alone for 5 weeks....

One of my boys from last year parents dumped him off on his brother who now wants nothing to do with him and he is classified as homeless...

One of my girls feels that her mom cares more about her boyfriends than she does her own children...

Alot of my kids don't know their dads....

Alot of my kids hate their moms...

So how do I teach them about unconditional love when all they know is abandonment, denial, rage, and toxicity?

It is a challenge, a hard one. Because I'm not supposed to teach them about love. I am supposed to teach them biology. I am supposed to teach them how to take the TAKS test, but yet my heart is breaking for them.

My heart is breaking because I am scared that if I don't love them the way God loves them that they will never know that love. I am scared that they will walk away and not feel worthy.

My chola handed me a long note today. It was a suicide note. I asked her if she was really thinking about taking her own life and she said no - just that those thoughts had come into her head over the weekend. She had gotten into a fight with her mom and her mother told her that she wished she had had an abortion. She wrote that she wondered if she did die if her mom would even cry.

She wrote that "it don't make sense going to heaven with the goodie-goodies dressed in white. I like black tims and black hoodies. God will probably have me on some strict shit. No sleeping all day. Hanging with the goodie-goodies lounging in paradise. F*** that shit."

I told her that to God she mattered. To me, she mattered. That if she took her own life, that God would cry. That I would cry.

She wrote me another letter a few days ago and it was just the lyrics to Runaway Train.

I wrote her back last night and it is just the lyrics to Beautiful by Mercy Me.

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

I'm praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

I hope she realizes that she is worthy of love. Regardless of what her parents tell her. Regardless of what he friends, boyfriend and sister tells her. She is worthy, just as all my students are worthy.

I can only pray that they one day find the love God. And in the meantime, I will continue to try to literally love the hell out of them.

Oh me oh my.

There are days....days like yesterday....that I HATE being a teacher.

And here is why:

Wednesday, I had my students write three possible test questions (with the answers) for their test yesterday. I told them that if I thought they were good questions that I would include them on the test. I thought they would take some pride in it because I also put their names by the questions so they could have bragging rights.

Oh GEEZ was I WRONG!!

THEY MISSED THEIR OWN QUESTIONS!!!!!

I repeat...they missed their own questions.

Ugh!

James Watson

We started talking about DNA and all that jazz today in class, which to me is incredibly fascinating. So I found a video of James Watson talking about his DNA discoveries and I was in awe. I thought it was witty, informational, and awesome to be sitting listening to the man who discovered the double helix give a talk! I didn't even know he was still alive and then to listen to him talk!!! What a privilege.

Well, I guess the nerd in me was really showing because my students didn't think it was good at all. They actually thought it was boring.

Boo.

Maybe one day they will look back at this oh-so-incredible education opportunity and realize its value. And see how cool I was to let them watch it ;)

Easy A

Yesterday I told my kids we would be having a MATCHING VOCABULARY test today and gave them a list of the vocab words that they should make sure they know.

Today they are failing the test.

Tomorrow they will forget they failed because they don't care.

So my question is this: if these kids can't even do a simple matching vocabulary test, how will they be able to be successful in life?

Quote of the day!

"Well, if we lived in America, school would have been canceled since we are freezing. Most schools cancel because of a mouse infestation. Here we just name them."



Burges does not have heat and as I am writing it is 60 degrees in my room. This is at the end of the day so the kids have warmed it up a bit. Needless to say its super cold!

My Chola

I have a lump in my throat, a pit in my stomach, and I am holding back tears because I know once I start crying I won’t be able to stop.

Today was the first day back from Christmas break. I had a bunch of new students to meet, my old students were actually glad to be back and it was an overall good day. But something was missing. Someone was missing.

On the first day of school in August she walked in with a “limp”, an obvious, purposeful limp. Her lip liner dark, her earrings big, and her clothes black and baggy. She was a chola. And to be honest, I thought ‘good Lord help me’ because I was worried. Is she going to cuss me out? Is she going to shank me? Will she care about school at all? Will I be fighting with her all year?

But she came in my room sat down and was surprisingly quiet. She kept to herself most of the class period and seemed to be doodling in her notebook instead of taking notes and paying attention. I, being the nosy teacher I am, went to go check out the doodles to find her not doodling but drawing. And it was INCREDIBLE albeit probably the scariest clown I have ever seen.

We started talking about her drawing. I told her she was very talented and asked her if she had any other sketches in her book. I was blown away. Her roses looked real. Her tears looked wet and her graffiti looked like fine art.

Over the first couple of weeks we talked…a lot. I found out she had been arrested about 25 times. She had a 3 year stint in juvy. A lot of teachers associated her with her sister who was apparently a trouble student and she didn’t like that. But I also learned that she loves people. She is super compassionate. She is naturally smart. And she would come visit me every day and give me a hug.

So today, when she didn’t come to give me a hug and when she didn’t show up to class I was worried. No one in class knew where she was and I decided to text her. I asked her where she was and she replied downtown. She had been to court a couple of times fall semester so I figured she was there. I asked her why she was there and she told me she was barely getting out.

Barely getting out? What does that mean? Well she was barely getting out of jail. Today is January 4. She got arrested December 26 for fighting. She was in jail for 10 days.

I’m not saying that she didn’t deserve to be in jail, because she busted a girls head open so yes she deserved to be there. But what I am saying is that I HATE that she was there. Because I know that she was hardened. That her heart was hardened. That a part of her love for people died. That a part of her compassion turned to hatred. AND I HATE IT!!!!!

As we talked over text message, she told me she was just a kid from the ghetto. I told her she was beautiful, smart, talented and bigger than this mess. I told her she had the world at her feet. That I loved her and I want her to love herself. That I want her to see herself as I see her. That she can get away from it if she wants to. Yes, it would be hard. Yes, she would hurt some people. But yes, she can do it. She can have a better life.

I asked if she was coming to school tomorrow and she was unsure because of what she was charged with. At this point in our conversation I thought she had just been arrested for fighting. But she was charged with attempted murder. The girl with the busted head ended up in the ICU.

So what happens now? How does she recover from this? I feel like I failed her. I feel like somewhere I didn’t do enough to help her. But I also feel like no matter what I would have done it would never have been enough to save her from herself.

How do we keep this from happening? How do we nurture the good? How do we shelter from the bad? How do I tell them about Jesus and keep church and state separate? How do I show them a better world, a better life that they know nothing of?

I sit and think about this and am at a loss. I know that at this point, I can do no more. I have to wait to see her sentence as she is in the courts hands. But I pray, I beg, that this will not define her life. That this will not define who she is.

I don’t know how to end this blog because I don’t know this end of this story. I don’t know where my chola will be tomorrow, in a couple of days, in a few years. So if you are reading this I ask that you pray for her. What to pray for I don’t know…..but pray for her.